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The Goofy Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except for the cat who was making soup out of a mouse;
The stockings were hanged by the chimney with care,
Capital punishment still exists there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of too much spiked eggnog still swirled in their heads;
And mamma in her nightgown, and I wearing nothing but a cap,
Had just settled down for more than a nap,
When out on the lawn there arose so much noise,
I though the kids were already getting into their toys.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Stumbled, tore down the curtain, and threw up on the sash.
The moon on the breasts of the snowwoman outside
Made my half-shut eyes go open wide,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a humongous sleigh, and eight poor tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver, who looked kind of sick,
Green in the face; he never liked flying, poor ol' St. Nick.
Mouths fouler than cursers these reindeer they swore,
For pulling this overload sleigh and the stupid names they wore;
"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
March forward storm troopers; mein Donder und Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now scratch away! scratch away! Leave skid marks on all!"
As refugees that before the Katrina hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, 'gainst the government they cry,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
Landing on a pointed roof top; I know not how they that do.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard from the roof
They had their toilet break and each little poop.
Quickly drew in my head, and started running around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was pretty dirty from his head to his foot,
And our carpet got tarnished by his ashes and soot;
A Toys 'R' Us bag he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a bag-man just opening his pack.
His eyes - how bloodshot! his nose like a cherry!
His cheeks were like roses, his skin condition was scary!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin, too long did it grow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled our no-smoking sign like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a bigger round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a tank full of jelly.
He was funny and weird, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed at him, really enjoying myself;
But a wink of his eye and a shake of his head,
Soon gave me to know there was nothing I'd get;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the other stockings; that mean ol' jerk,
And sticking his finger inside of his nose,
And giving a sneeze, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team snapped the whip,
And away they all flew with a light-speeding zip.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he landed on the next roof,
"Happy Christmas to all, and don't be such a goof."