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Toast to the Lassies

“A Politically Correct Toast”

An Act was passed in 1850
By the British Parliament you see.

It was called the Interpretation Act;
And this really is a fact.

It made a person of either gender official;
That meant a “he” in law meant a “she” as well.

This would make it legally okay
for a Scottish person to say:

Dressing for a céilidh, he puts on his dancing clothes;
he pulls on his kilt hose or pantyhose.

Still, women felt and were left out;
as they quite rightfully gave a shout.

Women’s lib has come a long way
to the politically correct speech of today.

Thus, the Scottish parliament in Edinburgh
passed a law that made gender-neutral language thorough.

And to show as well their independence from London.
This part, by the way, I made up just for fun.

Politically correct language would end male superiority.
Women would no longer be an ethnic minority.

Some sayings would no longer be socially acceptable.
They may be tricky, but I hope still understandable.

“A person cannot live by bread alone;”
She needs a cup of tea as well, or a scone.

I’m not so sure about the following switch
in the insult: “You bloody ol’ sonova … dog!”

Sounds kind of lame and sort of sappy.
Might as well: “You naughty, naughty little puppy!”

If Neil Armstrong were a Scot, he’d leave the following quote behind:
“A small step for a person – a giant leap for humankind.”

And what kind of people are in the boxing ring,
when it’s announced, “May the best person win!”

How about: “A person’s home is their castle.”
But the question remains who wears the pants? That would be a hassle.

Excuse me, I am sorry – oh that surely hurts;
to say that to a room full of kilts and skirts.

What have other countries done
to minimise the assumption

about the biological sex
of people referred to in speech.

The state of Maryland discovered its motto was rather mean:
Marylanders recite in Latin (and Chris stands up and says): “Fatti maschii, parole femine.”

Which means, “Manly deeds, womanly words.”
To be politically correct, they then bent over backwards.

They simply modified the official translation.
So now when Marylanders see (and Chris stands up and says): “Fatti maschii, parole femine,”

They should think instead: “Strong deeds, gentle words.”
I’d say that’s something for the birds!

Which brings me to my next example here in Berlin,
where the zoo director committed a sexist sin.

He referred to female staff as ‘zero comma one’.
For zoological categories, that is how it’s done.

But his insider’s joke turned out to be a real scandal;
Such political incorrectness can’t be tolerated at all.

Some people have suggested too that the word women
should alternatively be spelled ‘w-o-m-y-n.’

You may wonder it this is just a fad,
or has political correctness really gone mad?

Retitling my speech may be worth some thoughts;
“A toast to young intra-uterine reproducing Scots”

But as Burns might say, that is blatherskite;
such nonsensical talk just isn’t right.

As every true Scotsman will swear until his final breath:
Lassies are not to be made fun of, but rather to have fun with!

So, let us all raise our glasses (everyone raises their glasses): Here’s to the Lassies! To the Lassies!

Reading this poem at the Burns Night, 2 February 2013 (video). Catherine Smith standing at my left ready for her Lassie's Response (video).